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from Chapter 4,
"Growing Up Adopted "
I
remember being teased at school about being adopted, and feeling
humiliated but not quite sure what I had done wrong. And when
the doctor asked my mother if such-and-such ran in the family,
I remember being embarrassed and angry when she answered,
" I don't know, she was adopted. " I wanted to know.
I had a right to know my medical history, like anyone else.
But I didn't. And everybody seemed to think that was acceptable
... but it wasn't.
- M.M.
AT AGE 15, I began
to realize that I had been melancholy most of my life. I spent
a lot of time sitting in a tree by the river, on an overhanging
branch, watching the water below. I wondered why I felt so
sad. I feared that this feeling would condemn me to a single
life, unable to maintain a healthy relationship. I wondered
if it would lead me, inevitably, to suicide. My sadness was
not a passing mood; it had become an integral part of me,
like the veins that ran through my body.
What I didn't realize
was that I was not alone with these feelings. Other adoptees
were feeling them, too, and in some cases, to a much more
debilitating degree. According to an article by Nancy Gibbs
in the October 9, 1989 issue of Time magazine, "Adoptees
represent two percent of the United States population, yet
by some estimates they account for one-quarter of the patients
in U.S. psychological treatment facilities." Given past
adoption practices, this estimate seems realistic, even preordained.
Only today are we beginning to perceive the serious flaws
in the practice of closed adoption, and to see how these flaws
have harmed those involved.
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from Chapter 9,
"Post Reunion: Short-Term Issues"
My
birth mother and I continue our visits and correspondence.
During the first six months after our reunion, we were filled
with nervousness and tension. Slowly, we have become more
relaxed. But I often wonder if the fear that we may lose one
another in the next moment will ever totally wear off.
- M.M.
THE TIME FROM the
initial contact to up to 12 months following the reunion is
commonly referred to as the "honeymoon" period.
This blissful stage is not without its difficulties, but the
problems inherent in the honeymoon period are quite different
from those that beset the long-term post-reunion phase. This
chapter deals with the short-term issues associated with initial
stages of post reunion, and Chapter 10 addresses the somewhat
more complex issues that arise when the first "high"
of the reunion has worn off.
... Although in most
cases the birth mother does not expect or wish the adoptee
to move in with her, most birth mothers do desire a relationship
with their newly recovered child. Even so, most birth mothers
are sensitive towards the adoptive mother. Because they are
grateful to the woman who has raised their child, they are
reluctant to do or say anything that might upset the relationship
between the adoptive mother and the adoptee.
Tina's attitude is
a healthy example of co-operation and unselfish love.
"If a mother
can love two children, why can't a child love two mothers?"
asks Tina.
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